Strangely enough, I am okay. I don't feel like I really should be, but I am. Let me explain. ("No, there is too much. Let me sum up." Reference? Anyone? Anyone?)
I was not okay. I was doing a good job of pretending I was okay and even fooling myself sometimes, but overall, I was not okay. Then something happened and, suddenly, the world seemed brighter again. I could hear the birds singing, I could feel the sun shining and I was constantly excited about what the future held in store. That pretty much sums up my May. It was AH-MAZING. I can't really begin to describe just how wonderful it was.
This week things have started to change. I've left campus and I'm currently at my grandpa's house where I'm weeding the backyard and will be doing so all of next week as well. It's just me and my grandpa. Other things as well have started to change, which I won't go into here. Suffice it to say, I'm a worrier. I tend to freak out and panic. And there was one day this week that I was completely consumed by panic and worry all day.
That night I went for a walk. I'm not a person who wrings things, yet my shirt was in a knotted ball clenched in my fists the entire time as I sobbed and soon fell into a conversation with Heavenly Father. Eventually my plea boiled down to one simple thing: I don't want to feel like this. I don't want this panic, this worry. I hate it. I hate it more than anything, how it completely consumes me and I feel utterly miserable.
The next day, though nothing in the situation that made me panic had changed really, I was, albeit strangely, okay. And I still am. The situation is not at all better, in fact I would even say that it's gotten worse. But I'm okay.
Even tonight, the panic and worry took over for a couple minutes, but I quickly fell into another conversation with Heavenly Father. There is an easy solution to this dilemma, we both know. I would love, love that to happen. But if not, I told him, all I want is to be okay. Never before has the quote "Nevertheless, thy will, not mine, be done" had so much meaning to me and me alone.
I don't know what's going to happen. I get a foreboding feeling that things aren't going to go the way I want them to. If that's the case, I'll cry, yes. But I know that, with Heavenly Father's help, I will be able to pick myself back up and carry on. I am okay.