End of the Semester

Read this poem.

Read it? Okay.

Yeah.... You know that point at the end of the semester when you really just don't care any more? You're done with this crap? Let's move on, take a break, spend a couple weeks at home?

Yeah, that hit me last night.

You know what the worst part about that feeling is? Knowing you still have a kajillion things you need to do. Like thirty hours of workshop. A paper that hasn't even been assigned yet. (I will ~murder~. Are we seriously leaving this so last minute? Murder, I tell you. Murder.) A directing scene. A monologue to memorize. A regular old exam. An oral presentation. A choir concert. A plethora of design projects. Two or three final exams. Oh, yeah, and some time I have to pack for going home. That probably won't happen until finals week, though.

And, you know, I need to fit eating and sleeping in there somewhere.

On the other hand, 17 days until I'm home. I can't believe this semester is already almost over. I swear, didn't it just start a couple weeks ago? What happened??

Guys... It's almost 2012. WHAT IN THE WORLD.

Unrequited Love

I'd like to share a couple things I have written with you here. Usually I don't do that on this blog, I save that for my blog, Waiting Tables, but I'm making an exception in this case. Firstly, because it's a twofer, secondly, because I have a point (I think) that I want to make.

First was something I wrote this summer after re-reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in preparation for the final movie. It's not really a creative piece at all, it was just me venting.

I read the books, I see the movies. It’s all romantic and tragic. It’s beautiful and I love it. But I don’t understand it.

Let’s take Severus Snape, for example. He’s tragically in love with Lily who ends up married to Snape’s rival: James. And then she dies. And Harry comes to Hogwarts as a daily reminder of Snape’s lost love.

I just don’t understand how he could survive such pain. Every day being reminded of how she doesn’t love him. Endless torture. I don’t understand how anyone could ever be so strong. How you could ever be happy.

Second is the closest thing to "unrequited love" that I have ever put in to my novels. This is from The Gisola Trilogy, the third book: Skotad. So there may be quite a few things that are unexplained that will have been in the previous two novels. I think, however, that it won't particularly matter for this scene.

“Ionah...”

“Zesima?”

I could barely see him through the tears in my eyes. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt so young. The hundreds of years that had passed meant nothing, absolutely nothing. I had found him. He was alive.

Ionah let out a shuddering breath and I suddenly realized the toll the several hundred years had taken on him. How small his hand was as he reached up, fingertips brushing my cheek with a frighteningly soft touch. I clutched his hand, biting back a sob.

“I’ve missed you,” I whispered hoarsely. He smiled weakly.

“You’re so beautiful, Zesima.”

And for the first time in years, I actually felt like it. I chuckled.

“I’m old, my love.”

Ionah smiled. “Age has been good--” He broke off, gasping for breath. My heart cried out in pain for him. I let go of his hand, moving to hold his head steady. I ran my fingers through his snow white hair tenderly.

“Shh,” I whispered. “You’re all right.”

His breathing seemed to normalize and I leaned down to press my lips to his forehead.

“I love you, Ionah.”

“I-I love you as-as well, my dear...”

He was shaking. Trembling. My heart jumped to my throat. His lips twitched into a smile.

“I’m-I’m so... happy t-to...”

Another slight gasp and the trembling stopped. Ionah’s pale eyes glazed over, staring blankly into nothingness. Without my consent, a heart wrenching sob burst through and I pulled Ionah’s head into my chest, allowing myself to mourn the man I’d just found again.

Now what brought all this on? As my previous post suggests... I've fallen in love with James McAvoy. No, no, no, I'm not mourning the fact that he's unattainable (and is married and has a son). I'm just saying that I've been looking through the movies that he's been in that I could and would like to watch. I realized that he's in Becoming Jane, a movie I've always avoided on principle. I'm not entirely sure what that principle was (possibly defiling Jane Austen? I don't even like Jane Austen!) ... (or maybe just the fact I'm not a big fan of Anne Hathaway... amusing sidenote: I have a thing against her and, yet, she is the actress most people say I look exactly like) ... But whatever that principle was, it was thrown out the door at the promise of James McAvoy.

I hate that movie. Oh, my gosh, it's really good. I don't care about any of the Anne Hathaway parts, but James was amazing (as usual) and I was highly amused to see all the Pride & Prejudice bits of the story (especially after, you know, living and breathing that story for the past month and a half...). But I hated that movie.

Why?

Because here I am, sitting on my cousin's bed that I'm using while visiting for Thanksgiving, trying to be silent as I'm crying my eyeballs out because that was an AWFUL ending. I mean, yes, I knew she couldn't get married, because Jane Austen never married, and I would've been extremely angry if they had changed it so she did marry, but that was AWFUL. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL.

I just don't understand how you can do that. Live with that every day. Your heart broken. For some reason or another, you cannot be with the one you love. Maybe, like Severus, the one you love loves someone else. Maybe, like Jane, the one you love loves you just as much, but circumstances prevent your marriage, no matter how hard you try. I don't understand how you could live like that.

Sure, Severus found teaching. Jane found writing. There are things in life other than love, but isn't love the spice of life? Once you taste it, once you find it and realize that, yes, you are a whole person without him, but with him you can be so much more, how can you ever go back? Unless you no longer see him in that sort of light, if his greatness dims in your eyes, how can you not be in pain every day? If you continue to love him as deeply as ever, how can you not ache every time you see a happy couple? Every time you think of his voice, his face, his touch?

How?

I would like to amend my statement in the first thing I shared. "It’s all romantic and tragic. It’s beautiful and I hate it." It really does make a beautiful story. Severus's story makes me cry every time. But I hate it.

EDIT: Okay, here's another unrequited love story that I just absolutely love/hate. The Tenth Doctor and Rose Tyler from "Doctor Who". I mean, yes, Rose gets Doctor 10.2, but we all know it's not the same and just imagine our Doctor's hearts shattering inside his chest when Rose kisses Doctor 10.2. It's that same feeling that we all had when our Doctor said "I don't want to go" but doubled. No wonder the Tenth Doctor got all mopey after that (plus the whole situation with Donna) before regenerating to Eleven. Because he knew Rose was happy with Doctor 10.2 while he's still all alone.

I think I've fallen in love...

So I realized that I still had yet to see X-Men: First Class. Being a colossal Marvel Comics fan, I couldn't let that pass. Besides, I'd heard that it was surprisingly good, so why not?

Holy goodness. That was a good movie. I even started tearing up when Charles realized he couldn't feel his legs. The acting was so incredible at that point... I mean, it was great throughout the entire movie (I feel more and more okay with Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss every day, man), but that exact moment, James McAvoy...

Plus. I decided. James McAvoy is incredibly good looking. So I looked him up on imdb just to see what other movies he's in that I could watch. And then I realized I already knew and loved him. Mr. Tumnus in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. I've always thought Mr. Tumnus was yummy. And MAX IN PENELOPE. My favorite filmed kiss EVER. IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. I LOVE HIM.

So suddenly I have a new celebrity crush... And he's jumped up pretty high on the "yummy" list...

Excuse me as I drool...

Anyway... Sorry, I just had to let that out. Gosh darnit, now I have to rewatch Penelope...

Twilight *shudders*

This was going to happen one day. It might as well happen today.

Before I start, let me be honest. Back before the fandom became huge, I liked the books. I enjoyed reading Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse. I was fully on Team Jacob. I may or may not have even written a couple of speculative fanfictions before Breaking Dawn came out (and thus completely ruined my like for the series). Stephenie Meyer is a good story-teller.

She is not, however, a good writer.

And, really, the story is lacking. And the characters are severely lacking. And don't even get me started on the movies. (I legitly went to the Eclipse midnight showing dressed as a Jedi. So I could point and laugh. Good times, man. Good times.)

Don't believe me? Check this out: Reasoning With Vampires. I'm still working my way through all of the posts, but I LOVE it. She points out things that are wrong with the grammar, things that just don't make much sense, things that are plain ridiculous, things that are wrong with structure, things that make her want to smack the characters, things that are rather awkward out of context, how Bella is the least observant character in the history of fiction... And it's soooo funny! One of my favorite posts:

*starts giggling incessantly*

Anyway... Also, another thing making fun of Twilight in a hilarious, wonderful way... Ever heard of How It Should Have Ended? If not, you're missing out on some good youtube-age. The comic book movie ones are WONDERFUL. Twilight, however, will always be my favorite.

"Ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't talk. You're injured." The wonderful people behind these videos just released an extra scene... And I think it makes a very valid point.

Basically... Yeah. Twilight is dumb. And the people who think it's the most wonderful thing in the world need to read Harry Potter. Or The Hunger Games. Or Lord of the Rings. Or The Chronicles of Narnia. Or, the true antidote to Bella Swan's ridiculousness: The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks. This book makes me feel very gruntled. :) And everyone should read it. Because it is truly amazing.

P&P Picture Dump ++

This post will include: Pride & Prejudice picture dump and thoughts on the show now that it's over.
A budding obsession with Adele.
My one true love.

Be excited. This will be a long post...

One: PICTURE DUMP!!!!

Sometimes I amuse myself. This picture really encompasses the character of Mrs. Bennet. Fully.

Mr. and Mrs. Bennet with amazing lighting.

The expression on my face really, really amuses me.... The best part is, it's not just one of those weird moments where the camera captures something hilarious. Weird facial expressions are Mrs. Bennet's speciality.

Bennet Family Picture. Left to right: Jane, Lizzy, Lydia, Mr., Mrs., Kitty, Mary.

So... You might have noticed that Kitty and Mary are the only two with dark hair in the Bennet family. Explanation: Kitty is the adopted Irish kid. Mary... is the milkman's daughter. This is the milkman.

Mr. Collins! I love this guy. He's creepy.

The milkman and his daughter.

The Lucas Family. Sir, Lady, and Charlotte.

Mrs. Bennet and her dearest friend, Lady Lucas. The town gossips. 

Caroline and Charles Bingley.

The happy Bingley couple. Jane's mainly happy because she has food.

The Wickhams.

Darcy and Elizabeth when they hate each other.

The Darcys when they love each other.

Georgiana and Fitzwilliam Darcy. 

Wickham and Georgiana when they planned on eloping. 

Obviously, Lydia is clueless, Wickham still wants Georgiana and Georgiana is still broken up about it.

So Wickham gets both of his ladies... and Darcy ain't too happy about it.

Basically... This show was epic. I am so grateful to have been a part of it. I loved my role, I loved my fellow cast members, I loved the director, I loved the script (written by the director, actually).... I just loved it. I still think opening night was the best night we had, but that might be because my mommy was there that night. WHICH WAS AWESOME. I still can't get over that.

And, apparently, I was a hit. So hopefully this is a good sign for the rest of my three semesters left here. Let's pray so.

Meanwhile, I've been obsessing over Adele lately. I mean, I've loved her for a long time (my favorite song is "Set Fire To The Rain"), but I'm now obsessing. A new favorite is "Hiding My Heart". Basically, I love the emotion in not only the lyrics, but her voice. I love Taylor Swift because every song is so true and every girl can relate to so many of her songs, but Adele has also got that emotion in her voice. She has some intensely true talent and I really, really respect her. It'll take me a while to get tired of hearing this voice constantly just because it's that good.

So now. My one true love. His name is Orion. I don't ever get to see him during the summer, but a couple weeks ago I got to see him again and I get to see him now almost every night. And it'll be well in to spring before he leaves me again.

Yes. I'm talking about the constellation. Ever since I can remember, I've loved this constellation. I could pick him out before I could pick out either of the Dippers. This love affair with Orion started last winter, when I would walk out of my apartment and the first thing my eyes would fall on would be him. It didn't matter what sort of mood I was in, I'd see my man and I'd sigh and smile: "Oh, Orion. I love you."

Now, I've been thinking. Why do I love him so much? And I've realized it's because he's constant. He's the one constant I have during the school year. Something that will never change. Despite everything else changing and constantly moving, whether for good or bad, he will always be there, standing there in the stars, watching over me. Waiting for me. And I love him for it.

Sometimes...

...All you really need is a good cry on the shower floor. It's a good time to get some good thinking done and make some decisions.

Decision #1: I'm done. I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. I'm putting my foot down and I'm not going to just get a "not-really-an-answer" for an answer. I'm asking questions and I'm not letting go until they're answered. Seriously. Is "yes" or "no" really that hard?

Decision #2: I'm putting more effort in to my everyday appearance again. I'm wearing nicer clothes, wearing nicer jewelry, putting to use the thousands of shoes I have, I might even throw on a little eyeliner again.

Decision #3: I don't care how bad I feel or how little I have to do, I'm not lazing around anymore. If I seriously have no homework or anything to work on, I will work on my novel and force through the writer's block. Or I'll go on a run. Do some crunches. Going along with that...

Decision #4: I'm exercising more. I have no idea how that is going to happen or what I'm going to do, but it needs to happen. Seriously.

Decision #5: I'm getting off facebook earlier than planned. I was going to get off on Sunday for Thanksgiving week. Instead, I'm getting off tonight. I don't know how long I'll be off. But I'll be off through Thanksgiving, that's for sure.

Decision #6: Basically, I'm going to throw myself back in to living life. I was able to pass off living a life while I was having rehearsals every night. Now I don't have that anymore. And I need to do something about it.

Thoughts on Humans of the Male Variety

I've been thinking about the different men and boys in my life lately. I think relationships (of any kind) between females and males are really interesting. So here are some of the "groups", I guess, that I've been thinking about.




     One: awkward past experiences. Well, not necessarily awkward. But ended badly. As in, all communication ceased for several months. And heart was more than broken. It was either shattered or ripped out. Can I just say that it's sort of scary when you actually feel the sensation of something shattering or just missing in your chest? And, then, years later, it's like they forgot they ruined you so completely and they're acting friendly again. But here you are, having moved on a long time ago, but still unable to stop from shuddering when they accidentally brush against you.

     Two: those kids that you absolutely love but don't really know that well. You want to get to know them better and they might turn into really good friends. But until then, anytime this person comes up in conversation you're like "Oh, I love that kid! I need to hang out with him one of these days..." It's always interesting to see where one of these will go. Sometimes you'll get to know them better and they're not quite as wonderful as you thought originally. Sometimes you'll become best friends. Sometimes it becomes more.

     Three: really good guy friends that, I mean, come on, you can't help but think "Hm... potential except for that one thing...". Those "one things" defer between each guy and every girl has different deal breakers. Over the years, the deal breakers change and the same person you thought "Never" about becomes something more. You realize what things really do matter and what things don't really. For example, I've discovered height doesn't really matter too much to me. But I've also discovered how important missions are to me. I will marry a RM. I've also discovered how important family and in-laws are to me. Not necessarily if they like me or not, but how good his family situation is. I need to marry someone who is part of a loving family. Every family has their problems, yes, but I won't marry in to an abusive or other such messed up family. Also, interestingly enough, I've discovered how political views actually do matter. Not to say that I won't marry someone who doesn't share every single political view I have, but when a guy idolizes certain political persons... We're still wonderful friends, but I wouldn't be able to marry him. :P

      Four: Of course, that one guy. This has so many different varieties in it, but it's that one guy, the one who's name just makes you smile, your heart to lurch a little bit, the one who's in your dreams (both night dreams and daydreams). Maybe it's from afar, that one beautiful boy who probably doesn't even know your name. Maybe it's a good friend and you're afraid to do anything about it because you don't want to ruin the friendship so you just sit beside him, watching and hoping. Maybe he's yours and you get to hold his hand that fits so perfectly in yours. Maybe it's a weird, complicated sort of situation, a sort of undefined mush that, at times, really grates on you, but you still can't help but love him. Either way, he's the most handsome and beautiful person in your life.

     Five: the grown men in your life. Bishops, teachers, parents of friends, friends of parents. I have several friends back home who are friends of parents that I just adore. Every time I go home and see them, we give each other punches on the arm and just tease the snot of each other. My top four favorite teachers/professors are all male. My fourth grade teacher, my high school history teacher, one of the English professors here and my theatre professor. I have a profound respect for all of them. Bishops, of course, are amazing. Especially when you're in college, away from home. They adopt you as a daughter, you adopt them as a father. There is no doubt that they love you deeply.

     Six: family. Brothers. Father. Grandfathers. Cousins. Uncles. There's something incredibly amazing about the men in your family. I don't have an older brother, but there are also guys who you've adopted as family and some of those become older brothers. They're there when a guy breaks your heart, waiting with a wooden bat to make the weasel suffer. You look at your younger brother proudly and declare to everyone that he's going to be a heartbreaker. You always hear about the fun, crazy uncles. Why? Because it's true. And, of course, your father. Maybe you don't have a great relationship with your father. But you still love him. You still see a lot of him in every boy you fall for. I remember a couple years ago, my dad was able to come visit me at school for a day and, after he left, I realized that I wanted to marry someone like him so that my children would love their father as much as I love mine.




Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, there's another wonderfully special thing about the vast majority of the men in my life: the Priesthood. It's such a comfort, such a strengthening thought to realize that I am surrounded by men who hold the power of God. Men who are worthy in the sight of the Lord and who could literally move mountains. I love that, if I need it, I can call a number of men in my contacts list on my phone and ask them for a blessing. What more could a girl ask for?

Tech Week

Welcome, everyone, to Tech Week. Otherwise known as Hell Week.

(Sidenote: Happy Guy Fawkes Day!)

Hell Week starts today with a rehearsal beginning at 9:30am and going until... whenever. I always love and hate this rehearsal. I hate it, obviously, because it's so long and tiring. But I love it because we get free food for lunch, it's the beginning of tech week (which, to be honest, I love), and it seems to be really when the cast really starts coming together as a family. Partially because we're spending sooo much time together.

We're going through some script edits today (our director has actually written this adaption of Pride & Prejudice), then running the whole show, then lunch and then running the whole show again. So far we haven't been able to run the whole show even within three hours (which is why we have edits this morning) so it should be interesting.

After rehearsal I'm holding a rehearsal for my scene for my directing class. First rehearsal! I'm excited to see how my cast reads the script. Tomorrow, after church and another rehearsal for my directing scene, we have our Break The Fast dinner and Testimony Meeting at my director's house. This is one of the main reasons I love my school. A cast fast for the show, followed by dinner and a testimony meeting. The full day rehearsal starts the process of bringing us together as a cast family, but the testimony meeting really brings us spiritually together. Then it's opening week.

We open Friday night. 11/11/11. :D My mom is actually going to be here for opening night! I'm really excited, she hasn't seen me on the stage since high school.

And, just as an interesting tidbit... It's almost noon and we're still going through the edits. This is going to be a very long day.

Halloween and Pride & Prejudice

I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday. Not the candy, who cares about the candy? What I love is the dressing up. I'm a theatre major, I mean, of course I love dressing up. This year I went, once again, as a character from a fandom that I love, just further proving how much of a geek I am.

Zoe Washburne. From Firefly. For those of you who don't know Firefly, watch it. It's only a season plus a movie. For those of you who understand my geekiness, I've always said I'm Zoe with a dash of Jayne. :D

So Halloween was great. I had a number of friends who dressed up as various Doctor Who characters... There was a 10 and a Rose, an 11 and an Amy, and a "Raggity Doctor" (11 right after regenerating from 10). It was sort of awesome. I also was rather surprised (yet pleased) by how many people recognized my costume. (Especially considering Zoe's black and I'm... not...)

And then Halloween ended. And we all realized. Opening night for Pride & Prejudice is next Friday. So suddenly it hit us: the freak out mode. It always happens. Everyone thinking: "OH NO, WE'RE NEVER GOING TO BE READY!" We always are, of course. But we always panic.

It's interesting on my part. I've got five billion other things taking my attention right now and this is also the largest role I've had on the college stage. I had plenty leading roles on my high school stage, but the college stage is a completely different animal. Completely. And right now? I feel like I would be perfect for the high school stage, but, as a college student, I'm feeling rather mediocre. And it's depressing me. I need a breakthrough. A miracle. Something. And I need it soon.